Chronic Illness and Prayer

Why do we pray for people? What is the purpose of prayer? Praying for people with chronic illness raises uncomfortable questions. We tend to have a vending-machine approach to prayer. Insert quarter, out pops a bag of M&M’S. (Okay, these days it’s more like $3.) Very often, people who pray for the sick pray with the idea of them “getting better.” After all, if the church today is heir to the apostles and the church of the Book of Acts, why wouldn’t God do the same miraculous things now as then?

I have lived on the expanding edge of the kingdom of God. I have seen God do miraculous healings, both of bodies and hearts. I have also seen people remain sick or die. It makes one ask, “What is the purpose of prayer?” I would argue that the purpose of prayer is to bring a person or a situation before the throne of grace and ask for the outpouring of God’s grace.

Many church people, especially those who participate in healing or intercessory prayer, are quite kind. This kindness, when it encounters illness, disability, and death, revolts against suffering. We live in an era of painkillers, anesthesia, and technology that can treat a multitude of diseases that used to be incurable. On some level, we believe that everything should be fixable. We read of the healing miracles of Jesus and the apostles and pray for the same grace to be bestowed on our loved ones. (I find it interesting that we rarely pray for raising the dead, however, even though instances of resurrection are also present in the Gospels and Acts. Our intercessory imaginations seem to be bounded by our perceived limits of current medical science.)

However, kindness can hurt when untempered by a theology of prayer. I have a chronic illness. I have been sick since 2015. There is little treatment available, let alone a cure. I had a debilitating mystery disease that removed me from society for several years; my main presence in people’s lives was online. When I did finally receive a diagnosis, it wasn’t one that people were familiar with, and it had been going on for so long that many had essentially forgotten. Chronic illness is a very difficult subject for your average intercessor. There is no end in sight: while there is no cure, there is no immediate and impending death. Give praying people a crisis and they will storm the gates of hell. Give them a long, uncertain, and vague diagnosis and many become afraid.

I brought this observation up on X to my community of chronic-illness folks. I posted about some unpleasant encounters I’d had with people who were praying for me to get better. I was flooded with responses from people, Christian and non-Christian alike, who had experienced the same set of conversations during the course of their illnesses.

From these stories, I have compiled a Do-and-Don’t list. I should note that these apply to most other illnesses and conditions as well, but are especially pertinent to what is unexplained, long-term, or permanent.

When praying for someone with chronic illness:

Don’t

• Question their faith if they do not get better when you pray.
• Berate them for not getting better.
• Announce “I’ve been praying for you. Do you feel better?” or any other sort of pressure for positive updates to make you feel better. This only makes them avoid you or lie.
• Demand medical details or tell them about your cousin’s friend’s roommate who had that condition and was cured.
• Tell them it’s spiritual warfare or all in their head.
• Attempt to exorcise them.
• Confidently declare healing over them. You do not know God’s will. This is especially detrimental to non-Christians.
• Pretend they don’t exist anymore. This is not a good coping mechanism.
• Lecture them on yoga, diet, marijuana, or any other treatment that you think will cure them.
• Blame them for being sick.
• Tell them to fight harder.

Do

• Ask “How may I pray for you?” And then pray that way.
• Pray consistently and faithfully, and be prepared to do it for years.
• Have faith that your prayers are efficacious, even if you don’t see the results you want.
• Pray for everyday pain and difficulties. Momentary relief is a grace not to be underestimated.
• Ask how often you should check in to see if the prayers you’re offering need to change in any way.
• Listen to them as they deal with the crises of faith and the questions of “why” and other emotions that accompany life-altering circumstances.
• Pray for faith to persevere, both for you and them.

Allow intercession for those with chronic illness to deepen your faith. Allow the uncomfortable questions, and don’t avoid them. Why do you pray? Does your faith in God allow for miracles? Does your faith in God need miracles to survive? Is there a place in your faith for people who don’t get better? Does God really love us if he allows suffering?

That last question is the crux of why people are uncomfortable praying for those who don’t get better. And the answer to that question is yes. Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. We, in our sufferings, participate in that suffering when we offer it to God as a sacrifice, and in the words of St. Paul, “fill up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church” (Col. 1:24).

I was visiting a church recently on vacation and a woman asked if she could pray for me. I sighed and prepared for some of the usual. But apparently, she’d had several students with my condition in the past. She prayed for daily strength and perseverance, and added, “God, if you want, do something crazy and make her better.” That’s the kind of prayer I can get behind.