Ethics
There is nothing new under the sun, and marriages that include third parties are no exception. What must the Church say?
The basic difference between a marriage in which one or both spouses secretly practice adultery and “ethical” non-monogamy is consent and transparency. Non-monogamy divides into three subcategories: “swinging” or consensual fornication (casual sex) by both spouses together with others; “open” marriage, in which one or both spouses pursue independent sexual relationships with knowledge and consent of the other; and polyamory. Unlike the first two types, in which romantic love is strongly discouraged (but not necessarily friendship), polyamorous members specifically are bound by romantic love and sexual intimacy.
There is a lot of literature, mostly popular, that extols the benefits of polyamory. Some women go along only to keep their husbands and save the marriage, usually because there are children involved. This seems to have been the case for Karl Barth’s wife, Nelly, who grudgingly accepted the inclusion of Charlotte von Kirschbaum into their marriage. Eventually the two women reconciled and the three are buried together.
In all the personal testimonies I have read, both positive and negative, polyamory is the most difficult of non-monogamous relationships. Already in swinging and open marriage, there is always the possibility of a love relationship forming that threatens the marriage. When people form multiple bonds of sexually celebrated love, jealousy, infidelity to the polyamorous partners, and the difficulty of managing the emotional load are greater threats. Statistically, they tend not to last.
Pastoral perspectives
Most people in polyamorous relationships have thoughtful approaches to their common life. It is imperative therefore not to immediately judge the people trying this way of life.
It is important to polyamorous partners to claim that they are not married. In other words, they are trying another approach to conjugal life that is constituted by at least three simultaneous loving, sexually celebrated relationships. Children may well be included, especially when a husband wants another lover along with his wife.
The theological perspective
Certain books of the Bible mention polygamous marriages. The argument that polygamy in the Bible means that polyamory is acceptable is false: polygamy means “many marriages, one husband, several wives.” Moreover, from the beginning the Church disapproved of polygamy, perhaps because the prophets were so vehemently against it. Thus the injunctions in 1 Timothy 3:2 and 12 that bishops and deacons not be the husband of more than one wife could well be intended to exclude polygamists. It could also exclude men who are widowed or divorced, of course.
Jesus’ teaching
It is first worth noting that while Jesus presents a positive theology of marriage, it arises within the context of considering the case for divorce — which has skewed our thinking since. In Mark and Matthew, Pharisees test Jesus by asking whether it is lawful for a husband to divorce his wife (Matthew adds “for any cause”). “From the beginning of creation,” Jesus explains in both gospels, “‘God made them male and female’ [Gen. 1:27b]. ‘For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh [Gen. 2:24]. What therefore God has joined together, let no one put asunder.” The implication is that the actors in marriage are not just the bride and groom, but God. As a result, in marriage the couple become “one flesh.”
In marriage there is no room for third parties.
Moreover, our theology of marriage — the sacrament of holy matrimony — requires two partners who are the ministers of the sacrament, as the celebrant says:
Now that N. and N. have given themselves to each other by solemn vows, with the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings, I pronounce that they are husband and wife, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Those whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder.
At the heart of marrying is the choice and intent of the two.
Every human community has an economy that provides survival in the short term — food, shelter, clothing, etc. — and in the long term, for the survival of the community in the future is determined by having and raising children. Since Aristotle’s time, marriage has been recognized as the basic unit of a community’s economy. Tying non-monogamous approaches to marriage seems to threaten this.
There is therefore a moral aspect. “You shall not commit adultery” is part of living well, as is following all the other commandments — “living Torah.” Marriage restrains sexual jealousy, which can rip communities apart — “You shall not covet.” Furthermore, Jesus’ teaching on lust is not a condemnation of sexual attraction, which we do not control. Sex in itself is a good of human life. The sin is the decision to assuage one’s desire upon the body of another: “committing adultery in the heart.” This is also why casual sex — intercourse merely as pleasant exercise — is wrong, and even more so for using a sex worker. Other people are never to be used and thrown away.
This gets to the root of the difficulty of non-monogamy in general and polyamory in particular: mimetic rivalry. An example of this is when you see an apple, your neighbor sees the same fruit, there’s only one, and you both want it. What happens next?
Augustine wrote in his Confessions that he came upon two twins nursing at their mother’s breasts. One illogically tried to push the other away … mimetic rivalry. It is the root of Cain’s murder of Abel, Joseph’s treatment by his brothers, and many other biblical examples, even perhaps Eve’s behavior at the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
A common example of rivalry in marriage is when the wife makes more money than the husband. Since men are socialized to be “bread winners,” and money is synonymous with power and status, this situation can evoke mimetic rivalry in the man — followed by resentment in the woman — that comes between the two. Speaking theologically, division in relationships is the work of Satan, “the father of lies” (John 8: 44). Whatever makes a husband and a wife into rivals is the temptation for both to accept that rivalry, that is, to let it divide them against each other. Left unchecked, sooner or later it will put them asunder.
Despite all the careful work of the polyamorous to keep mimetic rivalry from breaking out, it is at the root of the failure of 70 percent of such arrangements. When we add the exhaustion that maintaining multiple marriages (for that is what they are) and the shortage of time for doing so, the survival of so few is not surprising.
The Episcopal Church cannot affirm “ethical non-monogamy,” including polyamory, I think. If we were to do so, it would violate the teaching of Scripture, especially that of Jesus, the tradition that is grounded upon and flows from the scriptural revelation, and the recent work we have done. Moreover, these nonmarital arrangements are fraught with failure, potentially even more devastating than marriages that die. Those of us who have publicly affirmed that we conform to the doctrine, discipline, and worship of the Church must conform to this doctrine as well, in our preaching, teaching, and pastoral practice, as well as in our personal lives.
Pastorally, the emotional pain that is all too often the fallout of non-monogamous relations calls for a pastoral ministry of deep listening. We should “always be ready to make our defense to anyone who demands from us an accounting for the hope that is in us” — including this teaching — “and yet do it with gentleness and respect” (1 Pet. 3:15-16).
The Rt. Rev. Pierre W. Whalon served as Bishop in charge of the Convocation of Episcopal Churches in Europe from 2001 to 2019.
